Spiritual Bypassing: Using Your Faith to run from Yourself

There is something comforting about learning that there is a term to describe/define something within you. This is not always true but is often true. Many who experience persistent symptoms of some kind of mental illness for years are often somewhat relieved when they realize that their collection of symptoms fit into a broader category of a diagnosis. This means that there has been a notable amount of study, understanding, and perhaps even created some sort of treatment that has proven at least marginally effective. It also gives language to an otherwise indescribable set of experiences. Labeling certainly has its downsides too but I often find that it is perceived more positively.

Thus this is the background of the subject of spiritual bypassing, a term coined by John Welwood in 1984. In short spiritual bypassing is the act of using a spiritual practice or spiritual discipline to avoid a challenging, troubling, or difficult internal emotional conflict or psychological problem. In short it is the act of using acts of faith as an excuse to not confront ourselves. I’ve heard this also described as “Using God to run from [the will/commands of] God” by Peter Scazzero in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

When someone is stepping into their own deconstruction/reconstruction process, they often find a world of hidden emotions and thoughts they’d never consciously come across before. But as they explore these emotions they realize its not they are new emotions, rather it is the first time that they’ve been able to acknowledge dignify them with undivided attention. And this process is absurdly scary. Faith practices that once kept them safe from their emotions are no longer there to protect them. However upon stepping into these waters, many find that these emotions, once sat with and understood, are not something to be saved from. Rather they are daunting gateways to wonderful life-changing truths.

To choose to end the act of spiritual bypassing is hard. But remember you are never alone when it comes embracing change. Be prepared though to find repressed traumas, deep wounds, and painful memories as you are delaminating yourself from pre-prescribed narratives. And the best way to be prepared is to find a group of people who support you, love you, and accept you as you move through these waters regardless of what may happen.

*Photo by Alexander Paul

The Coming Crisis of Faith

Society is in the midst of a much needed change. A large number of people are slowly waking up to some real , horrible truths that hurt our nation for hundreds of years. As many are just beginning this journey, there are some truly great thinkers that have done so much work on both social reform and underpinning institutional problems. And for those of us connected to the Evangelical Church we will soon begin to find that there is a:

Coming Crisis of Faith.

Those of us who have been raised or heavily influenced by the Evangelical Church will find that the broader Church has had a notable heavy-hand in suppressing societal change and in a number of cases has even actively fought against social change. Certainly not every church in every place, nevertheless the Church has historically been used as a means of oppression. As we, the people of the Church, wake up to our checkered history, we will undoubtably find more things that have hurt us than helped us.

Many will come to the progressive realization that theology has been used and distorted to promote a narrative of shame in regards to who they are and supporting what they feel is true. And the number will be large in number, caught up in the dust of crumbling walls and foundations. We will see what is deeply broken and they will see it. is. everything.

We should expect a number of Christians to begin a process of what we define as deconstruction. And we need to :

Let. This. Happen.

For so long deconstruction has been used as a term that is synonymous with terms of spiritual failure like heretic, renegade, or skeptic. This assumption only galvanizes the sociological and personal feelings of shame and loss that inevitably are part of a healthy deconstruction process. More importantly we need to know that as we engage with deep social and racial change, this process will be happening in us as well. Thoughtful change cannot occur without the tearing down of walls and frames.

This. Is. Happening. in. You. Now.

This is not theoretical. This is not an academic exercise. This is not problems for people somewhere else. This is you. This is us. We are being confronted with the things that we have in some way always suppressed.

And this is Good News.

Let’s begin to embrace the process of deconstruction together with gentleness and love for the people around us. Many will remove old theological weights. Many will make radical changes to their denomination. Many will embrace a more progressive theology. Many will need to take an extended break from the Church. Many will permanently end their relationship with the Church but not with their faith. Many will understandably burn the whole thing to the ground.

We Need Space To Be

So take this as an inevitable invitation and prepared that you are likely coming to this party. And it will start to feel more like a funeral. That is good. That is part of the process. Morn the loss of your old beliefs, morn the loss of your sense of self, morn the loss of your relationship to the church, and morn the loss of old held structures. There is something beautiful in this process but it is not without an incredible sense of pain. You have permission to make space for yourself and others to feel this very personal loss. And know that you are not alone in this.

The Mental Health of Men

There has been a profound change in the acceptability of mental health issues in men. Turn the clocks back a generation or two and you will find a profoundly sad and secret problem: Men supposedly didn’t have mental health problems. The mental health problems of men were primarily relegated to the ideas of weakness, laziness, or simply not being man enough. So men were forced to relegate their issues of anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. in other ways. This could manifest as a drinking problem, closeted abusiveness, or in a much more normalized way, simply being emotionally distant from family. A man’s provision was formerly seen under the simple lenses of economic success and work-ethic drive. Ask anyone who grew up under a father who was like this and the first thing they will tell you is “dad loved me but he showed it in distant ways”. It is best to realize that many of these men were doing the best they could with what they had but what they had was at best short-sighted.

But as we have understood that mental health is real and that men are affected by mental health issues just as much or more so than women, there have become some pressing questions about how these issues might manifest differently in men. If we can look at some of the specific visualizations of mental health issues in men in terms that feel native, then we can further help a generation of people make incredible life changes. I’m painting with a bit of a broad brush here and can by no means offer something that is all encompassing but I will do my best to offer a few examples of how mental health issues can be affecting men differently.

1. While we might have found men dealing more with issues related to anger, at least historically speaking, it’s best to remember that depression often manifests itself as an anger expression. We used to think men were just naturally angry and this had to do with a “wartime mentality” that was innate in men. However research finds that anger expressions have more to do with feelings of powerlessness, inadequacy, loneliness, and feelings of inferiority. After all anger can be viewed as depression faced outwardly.

2. With the historical repression of men when it comes to the expression of thoughts and feelings, men today face a difficulty in truly confiding in friends. In certain masculine cultures, vulnerability can be viewed as weakness instead of trusting. This makes for an increased challenge for men to find a relationship that feels safe enough to confide in. On top of this since men are generally less emotionally aware and less educated in intuitive/emotional reasoning, men are more likely to find that the counsel of male friends tends to be more action oriented. This is not always a bad thing but if a core component of change is feeling heard and accepted, then the process of change will not come about by simply relaying action-oriented information. Men need relationships that are compassionate and understanding that also speak of these issues in a language that specifically masculine.

3. Mental health issues directly tie in to socially-supported roles that men have traditionally played. For example: many men feel an incredible pressure to provide fiscally for their family. What happens when that role can’t be fulfilled for one reason or another? Can bringing in less money contribute to a deflated sense of self, sense of purpose, or mark a man as a failure? This could be depression in expression, anxiety in expression, or others. If a man feels there is a role he must play and he finds that he cannot fulfill this role, mental health issues will manifest (or make themselves manifest) and the underlying beliefs must be personally addressed along with the manifesting mental health concerns. Put simply: when men have a role they feel they must fill that they cannot live up to it, mental health issues will be quick to follow.

These are just some of the ways that mental health issues can be somewhat unique in the expression of men. Of course these are not limited to or even felt by all men. In fact many women may find that they identify with some of these specific concerns. These are just some ways that some men may find an intersection between mental health and their place in the world. With that said therapeutic help for men has to be distinct. Men may need extra emotional intelligence cultivation and acceptance-orientation before addressing core concerns. The identities and values of men have to be given extra respect and attention as a part of wholistic therapeutic change. If a man feels that work is a core part of him, then therapy will have to help the man either accept or effectively challenge this belief in a way that is experienced as authentic. Finally mental health interventions for men have to pay special attention to the increased social risk of isolation for men. Men are significantly less likely to have a supportive or encouraging social group and this is a core component to lasting change. Therapy is truly a wonder and amazing gift but without external structures and supportive communities men are at incredible risk of falling back to what societal scripts have historically reinforced.

Biological Depression?

As a society we are making some fantastic improvements in having more freedom to talk about depression. A once taboo topic has now become the subject of podcasts, internet videos, meme-culture, etc. Every Youtuber has at least one episode about his or her battle with depression, which in general should be celebrated. While this is generally a positive change, there do become some issues as we consider the implications and consequences of throwing around the term ‘depression’ so frequently.

One of the biggest issues the average person is having due to the over-saturation of “depression culture” is actually differentiating what is and what isn’t depression. Biologically-oriented depression is notably different than the general idea of “going through a depression”. While both are meaningful and valid, there is an incredible difference in how these things are to be treated and understood.

Those of us with an innate biological condition of depression, a condition that tends to rear its ugly head between the ages of 16-25, the core issues are less relational (though still affect relationships) but rather organic in nature. While talk therapy is helpful for dealing with the personal, social, educational, or occupational components; talk therapy alone cannot reach the core of the problem. Psychotropic medicine will address the true core issues and will maximize the effectiveness of traditional talk therapy.

Though it is hard to discern the difference between the two types of depression I hope this can offer something to help you consider if the depression you are facing is biological or primarily personal in nature.

• If you find it difficult to find a start date to the depression, it could be biological.

• If you cannot imagine a scenario that would free you from your feeling, it could be biological.

• If you have a parent or family member with an actual depression diagnosis, it (really!) could be biological.

• If you find yourself frequently stuck in bed for no reason at all over a long period of time, biologically-oriented depression should be considered.

• If you are finding that talking about it is not really helping at all, it could be biological.

• If you find yourself making no headway in personal counseling, it could be biological.

None of these are guarantees of biological depression of course but rather are correlates. The more you check off the list the higher your chances. But you don’t have to have all of them in order to have a biological depression diagnosis.

If you do find that this resonates with you, consider either meeting with your doctor or potentially a psychiatrist. There are different reasons to choose either type of professional but that will have to be another blog post.