Shame{dot}exe

I’d like you to see your mind like a computer. There are all sorts of different programs running across your operating system. These programs can include simple biological tasks - Breathe.exe or more complex daily tasks like MorningRoutine.exe. But I’d like to show you a program that most of have running in the background called Shame.exe. This software ends up being used for all sorts of tasks that must be accomplished. This .exe file allows people to execute tasks that are generally held as socially good or necessary and is used sparingly to help promote change and positive growth. However for many people, this file has gone from an occasionally helpful resource to a program that takes up almost all available RAM and processing power in the human mind.

Shame.exe, simply put, is our tendency to use shame as a motivator in order to be productive. Shame.exe is a file that most people have running some way, shape, or form. However this executable file can be manipulated as an effort to overclock our productivity; Shame.exe can be exploited to get an individual to perform beyond their emotional limits . So what happens when Shame.exe is over-relied upon? We tend to find that Shame.exe begins launching on start up and slowly takes up all available computing power in order to function.

Its best to look at Shame.exe as simply a program in our minds. It will do whatever we tell it do and to its best ability. So when it becomes the primary program we use to function, it eats up all our bandwith and RAM of our mind. As it runs more and more frequently and we rely on it too heavily, we have less active space to run any other tasks and will ultimately live underneath all of the implied limitations and burdens. We won’t be able to launch programs like Wonder.pdf or Joy.jpeg or Rest.tif. Instead our entire operating system will be subservient to the thralls of Shame.Exe. Thus turning Shame.exe from a sometimes helpful background program into a harmful and damaging virus. So what can be done to shutdown this program or at least regulate its hold on the processors that are our minds?

One route to fixing this issue is to begin by acknowledging how much of the processing power this file is taking up. Honor its existence upon start up and note if it begins on boot-up or if there is another program (internal or external) that launches Shame.exe. Depending on what makes the program boot up, consider your relationship to the thing that launches the executable file. Social media programs, when engaged with for too long, begin to suck up all the processing power and can contribute to the booting of Shame.exe. A poorly balanced diet, a lack of physical exercise, and mismanaged daily habits all certainly contribute to the excess reliance on this executable file. But there are other fixes to this problem depending on severity.

Another route is looking at other .exe files that launch upon start up. One common file that tends to launch along side of Shame.exe is UnmetExpectations.exe. UnmetExpectations.exe is a really tender program and often launches Shame.exe almost like a trojan-like fashion. It may be a very reasonable program that has simply never been allowed to run or be honored. Begin by opening this .exe and letting its program execute by giving it voice. What does it launch? What are the contents within? What do they want? Letting this program run can be a great way to reduce the drain that Shame.exe is having on your processor.

Finally if these two fixes are not enough, you may want to consider reaching out to tech support. Technicians can take a deeper look at Shame.exe, help you identify which programs are launching under Shame.exe, and generally give you tools for managing Shame.exe and free up your processors’ power. Remember this is just a program - not a fact or identity - and does not have to be anything more than that. Don’t let Shame.exe continue to tank your CPU’s performance for another day.

The Mental Health of Men

There has been a profound change in the acceptability of mental health issues in men. Turn the clocks back a generation or two and you will find a profoundly sad and secret problem: Men supposedly didn’t have mental health problems. The mental health problems of men were primarily relegated to the ideas of weakness, laziness, or simply not being man enough. So men were forced to relegate their issues of anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. in other ways. This could manifest as a drinking problem, closeted abusiveness, or in a much more normalized way, simply being emotionally distant from family. A man’s provision was formerly seen under the simple lenses of economic success and work-ethic drive. Ask anyone who grew up under a father who was like this and the first thing they will tell you is “dad loved me but he showed it in distant ways”. It is best to realize that many of these men were doing the best they could with what they had but what they had was at best short-sighted.

But as we have understood that mental health is real and that men are affected by mental health issues just as much or more so than women, there have become some pressing questions about how these issues might manifest differently in men. If we can look at some of the specific visualizations of mental health issues in men in terms that feel native, then we can further help a generation of people make incredible life changes. I’m painting with a bit of a broad brush here and can by no means offer something that is all encompassing but I will do my best to offer a few examples of how mental health issues can be affecting men differently.

1. While we might have found men dealing more with issues related to anger, at least historically speaking, it’s best to remember that depression often manifests itself as an anger expression. We used to think men were just naturally angry and this had to do with a “wartime mentality” that was innate in men. However research finds that anger expressions have more to do with feelings of powerlessness, inadequacy, loneliness, and feelings of inferiority. After all anger can be viewed as depression faced outwardly.

2. With the historical repression of men when it comes to the expression of thoughts and feelings, men today face a difficulty in truly confiding in friends. In certain masculine cultures, vulnerability can be viewed as weakness instead of trusting. This makes for an increased challenge for men to find a relationship that feels safe enough to confide in. On top of this since men are generally less emotionally aware and less educated in intuitive/emotional reasoning, men are more likely to find that the counsel of male friends tends to be more action oriented. This is not always a bad thing but if a core component of change is feeling heard and accepted, then the process of change will not come about by simply relaying action-oriented information. Men need relationships that are compassionate and understanding that also speak of these issues in a language that specifically masculine.

3. Mental health issues directly tie in to socially-supported roles that men have traditionally played. For example: many men feel an incredible pressure to provide fiscally for their family. What happens when that role can’t be fulfilled for one reason or another? Can bringing in less money contribute to a deflated sense of self, sense of purpose, or mark a man as a failure? This could be depression in expression, anxiety in expression, or others. If a man feels there is a role he must play and he finds that he cannot fulfill this role, mental health issues will manifest (or make themselves manifest) and the underlying beliefs must be personally addressed along with the manifesting mental health concerns. Put simply: when men have a role they feel they must fill that they cannot live up to it, mental health issues will be quick to follow.

These are just some of the ways that mental health issues can be somewhat unique in the expression of men. Of course these are not limited to or even felt by all men. In fact many women may find that they identify with some of these specific concerns. These are just some ways that some men may find an intersection between mental health and their place in the world. With that said therapeutic help for men has to be distinct. Men may need extra emotional intelligence cultivation and acceptance-orientation before addressing core concerns. The identities and values of men have to be given extra respect and attention as a part of wholistic therapeutic change. If a man feels that work is a core part of him, then therapy will have to help the man either accept or effectively challenge this belief in a way that is experienced as authentic. Finally mental health interventions for men have to pay special attention to the increased social risk of isolation for men. Men are significantly less likely to have a supportive or encouraging social group and this is a core component to lasting change. Therapy is truly a wonder and amazing gift but without external structures and supportive communities men are at incredible risk of falling back to what societal scripts have historically reinforced.

Biological Depression?

As a society we are making some fantastic improvements in having more freedom to talk about depression. A once taboo topic has now become the subject of podcasts, internet videos, meme-culture, etc. Every Youtuber has at least one episode about his or her battle with depression, which in general should be celebrated. While this is generally a positive change, there do become some issues as we consider the implications and consequences of throwing around the term ‘depression’ so frequently.

One of the biggest issues the average person is having due to the over-saturation of “depression culture” is actually differentiating what is and what isn’t depression. Biologically-oriented depression is notably different than the general idea of “going through a depression”. While both are meaningful and valid, there is an incredible difference in how these things are to be treated and understood.

Those of us with an innate biological condition of depression, a condition that tends to rear its ugly head between the ages of 16-25, the core issues are less relational (though still affect relationships) but rather organic in nature. While talk therapy is helpful for dealing with the personal, social, educational, or occupational components; talk therapy alone cannot reach the core of the problem. Psychotropic medicine will address the true core issues and will maximize the effectiveness of traditional talk therapy.

Though it is hard to discern the difference between the two types of depression I hope this can offer something to help you consider if the depression you are facing is biological or primarily personal in nature.

• If you find it difficult to find a start date to the depression, it could be biological.

• If you cannot imagine a scenario that would free you from your feeling, it could be biological.

• If you have a parent or family member with an actual depression diagnosis, it (really!) could be biological.

• If you find yourself frequently stuck in bed for no reason at all over a long period of time, biologically-oriented depression should be considered.

• If you are finding that talking about it is not really helping at all, it could be biological.

• If you find yourself making no headway in personal counseling, it could be biological.

None of these are guarantees of biological depression of course but rather are correlates. The more you check off the list the higher your chances. But you don’t have to have all of them in order to have a biological depression diagnosis.

If you do find that this resonates with you, consider either meeting with your doctor or potentially a psychiatrist. There are different reasons to choose either type of professional but that will have to be another blog post.

Fighting Anxiety Starts with Knowing Who We Are

There is a lot of things that people tell you when you tell them that you suffer from anxiety. They will offer tips to manage anxiety or maybe if you are lucky they will give you an “I’m sorry” response. But it seems like no one ever talks about the legitimacy of anxiety. This is to say: to be human is be anxious - at least about some things some of the time.

There is something good in us that pronounces anxiety to be felt emotionally. It is typically there to connect us to the moment and to help us feel alive (sometimes a sign that what we are doing is worth doing). Anxiety lets us know that our work and actions have significance and value. Anxiety reminds us that we are meaningful and important, even if we feel otherwise. When anxiety is felt without this existential backdrop, this is when deeper problems with anxiety occur. So I want to offer a few quick starting points for understanding you and your own anxiety.

- When anxiety is not present or at least not strong, spend some time doing some self-reflection. How do you feel about yourself when you are not being mischaracterized by anxiety? Are you a more lovable person when you are not anxious? Do your feelings matter less or more when anxiety is not present? Ask yourself: what if I actually am just as lovable and valuable with anxiety as I am without anxiety.

- What do you reach out to when anxiety strikes? What core beliefs about yourself do you cling to when you are having an anxiety attack?

- What thoughts tend to be present exclusively when you are fighting anxiety? Are these thoughts true or just conditionally true?

- What do those that are close to you think about your anxiety and the messages it tells you? Do they see a truth that is different? Could their viewpoint actually be correct?

Understanding and fighting our anxiety begins with how we see ourselves. To fight anxiety is to fight a negatively-bent, jaded perspective. If you fight this alone, this perspective wins out and the only way to move forward is to let others in and to believe their words.